The Crying Game

June was the pits. Yep. Worst month on record. So, what have I decided to do? Start a blog of course! "Blog" is in the dictionary now. Everybody's doing it. Therefore; I must create my own online journal of self loathing for the world to see. How does it go? Something like: Other people's dysfunctions make us feel better about ourselves? Well, maybe some of what I put on here will accomplish that. Plus writing makes me happy. And happy is in short supply these days. 

The first task at hand when constructing a blog apparently; is to name it. How are you supposed to title something that you haven't written yet? I don't know about you, but I always had to write the essay first, then come up with the clever title. So I had to wing it on here. "Confessions Of A Crazy Cat Lady" seemed too long. Then I found myself looking up the word "crazy" in a thesaurus which is where "Bats In The Belfry" appeared. Its got a nice ring to it. Sounds easy to remember.

I've been crying a lot lately (okay, maybe everyday...multiple times). It makes me feel less submissive, less like hiding, if I admit it. I've been pretty good over the phone & in public. My voice cracks sometimes, and tears well up in my eyes beneath my sunglasses, but I'm usually able to stop it before it becomes perceptible. At home, alone, in my apartment however, its a whole different ball game. My apartment feels like a prison (though Al Capone would like it here, its very bright & sunny with high ceilings & decent square footage). My last waterfall session occurred just a couple of hours ago, when I ended up punching a throw pillow & clutching a quilt mumbling: "Wh-wh-whyyy can't I st-st-stop crrrying...I j-j-just want it to st-st-stop!!!" Now I'm just getting pissed that I can't control the affliction. One day, ONE tearless day is all I ask for right now! 

I've learned a couple of lessons from the crying game though. First of all: It IS possible for cats to roll their eyes. I witness it on a regular basis..."Oh gawd. Here she goes again..." is what they must think in their little pea brains as they perch on the love seat across from me, rolling their eyes & twitching their whiskers. Either that, or they spring on top of me & sniff my face getting their fur stuck to my salty cheeks & inside my nostrils. Phhlet...yuck. Another lesson I've learned: Tissues with aloe injected into them make a HUGE difference. Trust me, 'Scott' toilet tissue is my brand of choice (1,000 sheets per roll!) & it is not 'Charmin' soft. The t.p. is harsh on the under-eye area & causes a lot of dryness. Its a nightmare. Oh yes, & the waterproof 'Lancome' mascara I recently purchased: Two thumbs up! So far its only rubbed off on the quilt.

I've plugged two brands of toilet paper & a cosmetics empire. Maybe I can get sponsors on here?

So. Why all of this crying??? Well, I assure you it is justified. At 29yrs of age I'm suddenly facing some serious health problems...which is a discussion reserved for a future blog entry...but don't worry, I'm not dieing & I should get better. But, for the first time really, I'm experiencing debilitating physical pain. It causes a tear to drop from time to time. And it causes me to be scared & anxious about what's going on inside of my body. I am also sad because a guy broke up with me. The decoupling event only occurred a few days ago. Yay! A fresh host for tears! I am adamant with myself that the breakup tears are merely superficial; that they will subside after about a week, at which point...I'll pick myself up, brush myself off, think of all of the fond memories...smile&wave...while I pass him on a regular basis as he comes & goes from his office...located directly UNDERNEATH my apartment (yet another attribute to the apartment:prison cell analogy).

Alas, that's it??? Some unfortunate, hopefully temporary, health issues...& a boy...is causing all of this distress? Yes. Its really not that bad after all. The way I've been carrying on, one could suspect I had just suffered some incomprehensible tragedy. Fortunately, and frankly, that is not the case. As far as my health is concerned: If I dose myself with memories from some of my past travels to third world countries (& in this country!)...I consider myself blessed to have access to amenities such as insurance & basic health care. The hardest part about not feeling well is the emotion of self-pity that leeches on as well. With some reluctance I've come to realize that feeling sorry for oneself is an instinct (though I will always feel guilty for it). There's a threshold between having an informative conversation when discussing personal health problems, and whining.  Hopefully I'll keep from crossing into the latter category. And as far as the boy is concerned: Getting a little of something good was holding me back from getting all of what I deserve. At least that's what my family told me. And I believe it.

"Periods of good fortune naturally alternate with periods of adversity, just as sunny days are interspersed with rainy ones."  -Eric Weiner, NPR Corespondent/Author

It seems a little absurd & narcissistic "blogging" about such personal affairs. Its not for everyone. But one thing I can tell you is: If there's anything that can make pain & sadness subside...it's humility. 


ps: It takes at least three cats to classify as a crazy-cat-lady. I only have two. I may have just made that up. But I make the rules on here!